As we close in on 8 pm of  the day after Valentine’s Day Eve, few remain free from the chocolatey snares of a holiday commercially devoted to giving away heart-shaped boxes crammed with enough sugar to put the state of Rhode Island into prolonged diabetic shock. Everyone knows this. But what other rights of socially accepted passage plague this contagious day of confectionery delight?

Also responsible for your lack of coffee money tomorrow morning – stuffed animals. FACT: The ‘teddy’ bear is responsible for more broken post-Valentine’s Day hearts than any other mammal of the fuzz-filled creature kingdom. Even more surprising is the amount of sheer destruction and ill-will which must befall them to justify a replacement. Limb-loss, exposed wounds, and the obligatory ‘hanging eye’, are but a few of Teddy’s talking points. Recently, parallels have been drawn between these conditions and the cause, supplying one theory worthy of notice…One of their own may be responsible.

An indispensable figurehead for the stuffed ones has taken a lot of heat lately for his role in an anti-wilderness smoking campaign. That’s right kids. Smokey the Bear may in fact be the driving force behind putting out those Valentine’s Day fires set in hearts by chocolate wielding Boyds Bears for the last 60+ years.

Unfortunately, conclusive evidence is yet to  been found.  It’s too difficult to assess certain elements regarding Smokey’s involvement. For instance, experts argue some factors such as ‘sparks’ are never considered. These are very brief in relation to a fire, but excessive Valentine’s Day sparks may create ‘warmth’ which may lead to what is called a ‘glow’.  The glow cannot be understated.

A glow will give the subject’s face a look of cheer and joy. It is immediately after the glow when friends and relatives typically see smoke coming from one or both of the subjects when together. At this point, the heart seems a complete loss… Smokey is not so easily discouraged.

Eliminating the coal that keeps the V-Day train on track was not always easy for the shamed carnivore. Smokey once felt the fire and was consumed with the illogical idea of it. He felt the spark, the warmth, and the glow. He saw the smoke and knew. Valentine’s Day was a day to look forward to. But as circumstance put his fire out, his outlook also changed.

Now, he looks forward to mid-February more than he lets on. More aware of Russel Stover than ever before.

Valentine’s Day is really everyone’s day if you think about it. Sure, some get more chocolate than others, but everyone gets a little. And if you save some up maybe you’ll get more next year! Bon Appétit

Any and all information featured above collected and reported by the millions of
single men and women who would just as soon February 14 eat itself into a
bonbon-like stupor at approximately 12:01 am each year.